The last 2 years

Once again, it has been awhile since I've posted, and as before, I've written many things in my head.  Some were just too painful to actually put down for others to see.  Some were about fears I had which I didn't want to share publicly.  And some wounds were just too fresh and the scab not healed & gone. 
But now I think it's time to get back to it. 
I just went back and reread a post I wrote over 2 years ago about waiting for Connor.  Derek had commented and since I haven't come here to my blog often, I had missed it.  But I saw it today, and it made me cry.  It also made me feel good and made me proud.  I am glad he enjoys my writing.  I actually have something in mind I want to do for Connor and I think it will mean as much to Derek as I hope it someday does to Connor.  But that's a surprise that will wait for later!
I was definitely right about one thing when I wrote the post about waiting for Connor.  It sure was worth it!  I said I wanted to watch Derek & Kristen experience a new kind of love that they had never had before and they have.  But I have also gotten to experience a new kind of love.  The love I have for Connor is almost undescribable.  I could sit and just watch him for hours at a time.  I love seeing him discover new things and I love that he is such a happy little boy.  He has brought so much joy to my life.  I love that he calls me "T" - that's a name I doubt any other grandma has!    I can't imagine life without him and I hope I am blessed with many more years to watch him grow. 
There have been many blessings during the last two years and there has been a lot of pain.  Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer not too long after Connor was born and we knew there would be no cure.  He took some chemo treatments and they did slow the progression for a bit.  Dad, Don and I even got to take a trip down to Springfield for a few days and we visited some cemeteries where some of Dad's family were buried.  He felt great, he ate great and we had so much fun.  My only real regret that I have from  his illness is that he wanted to take one more trip, just he and I.  But we didn't realize how short time was and we were waiting for the right time - the weather to cool off a bit, him to feel a little bit better.  I wish we would have just packed up and gone.  But I guess if that's the only regret, then I did good.  I helped him and took care of him through that eleven months that we got to have.  We used to kind of joke about how we enjoyed the days he had dr's appointments because after we would usually go to lunch and maybe run some errands.  We just enjoyed spending the time together.  Red Lobster will always be a bittersweet place for me because that was probably our favorite lunch place.  Those are some great memories.
During that last week, I was lucky to have so many people help me and to help take care of dad.  It was nice to spend so much time with Uncle Bob and I heard stories about dad that I had never heard before.  I didn't know how onery he was!  Jackie, Kristen's mom, was a God-send.  She has a knack of knowing what you need and just doing it.  She cooked for us, she answered my phone so I could sleep, she sat with Dad, she helped me clean him and she even stayed all night after being here all day and gave him his medicine.  I will always be grateful for her.  Derek & Kristen were here and they brought Connor up because they knew that made me feel better.  Derek & Uncle Bob split some nights so that neither one had to stay up all night but the last couple of nights Derek was here all night and even set his alarm for every two hours so that he could give Dad his medicine.  Joan was here, my mom was here, Sheila came.  So many blessings!  It's so easy to remember the hard times and the bad things, but even at the worst times, there was goodness, too.
I'm sure there has been many things worth writing about that have happened in the last two years.  But I think that's the highlights and the lowlights and that's enough for now.