Homesick

We've been back in Missouri for a little over a year now. Things are better and I am no longer unhappy like I was when we first came back. But still sometimes I get so homesick. I can close my eyes and I can still see in my mind our backyard. I can see the cars going by on Hwy 21 out back and I see the birds at the feeder that I kept filled for them. I see the pine trees, and Mrs. Ja walking across the backyard to come visit for a bit. I can see the road that leads to White Rock, passing Robyn and Sheldon's house, and Ray and Pat's house and several other church members homes. I can see us sitting in Brother Sonny and Mrs. Carrie's house for Sunday school. I know what it feels like to sit on "our" pew next to Mrs. Viola. I can hear Amber, Robyn, Tabitha and Vicki singing. I can feel the hot Texas sun in the summer. I can feel the crape myrtle weeping on my arms as I sat on the deck. I miss our church and I miss our house. I miss my life there. I feel really guilty that I still feel this way, because I know there are those who don't understand. And I can't explain it, because I don't really understand it either.
Until we moved to Texas, I lived my whole life in the same town. I didn't hate it and I wasn't one of those people who couldn't wait to get away. It was fine, it was comfortable, it was home. Our family was there. But then we went to Texas. It was scary at first and it took some time to settle in, but we made a life there and it was soooo good. It was always nice to come back to Missouri to visit, but even when we were here, I couldn't wait to get back there. It was great to have family visit us and to have one-on-one time with them. Somewhere along the way, for me, Texas became home and Missouri became somewhere that I had lived once. Missouri is now where we live and it is a good life, but sometimes I still feel like I'm in the wrong place. We have a nice house and the most beautiful, awesome views. We have family close by and have had some great times since we have been back with many more good times to look forward to. But inside of me is an ache to cross that line from Arkansas into Texas and feel the calmess and peace that comes over me when I do - to know I am where I belong.
How is it that you can spend such a short time somewhere and it become such a part of you? It's really weird, because when I was a kid, I could only spend the night with my grandparents or at my cousin's house. Anywhere else, I would pretend to be not feeling well at bedtime so I could go home. I wanted to be in my own home, in my own bed with my mom and dad in the house. It was strange to me that it was so easy to go because it was so out of character for me. The only time I cried when we left was when we said good bye to Derek and Kristen. But when we left Texas to move back here, I cried for half an hour and I think I could have cried all the way back. I had to make myself think of anything except what I was leaving behind. And maybe that's what it is. Maybe I knew that Missouri would always be a part of me and I wasn't really "leaving" it. I knew I would be back from time to time and I knew that more likely than not we would eventually move back. But when we left Texas, I knew that even when we returned to visit, that it would never be the same. Our friends and "family" there would go on with their lives and we would go on with ours. We would promise to visit and keep in touch - and we do keep in touch with some people - but life has a way of pushing aside good intentions.
I know that "home" is wherever Don and I are together. And I know that our lives are just going to keep getting better and better. I am happy. But sometimes I just miss Texas!

The Pumpkin Patch

A while back, I was looking at job listings on Craig's list and I came across an ad for the local pumpkin patch. It is, of course, a temporary job and I thought it would be fun. So I printed out the application, filled it out and took it over. I spoke with a lady and she told me employment was "fluid" - some people quit because it was too hard and others were asked to leave. She said it was hard work, but they wouldn't ask you to do anything they themselves hadn't done. I left feeling a little unsure and a couple of weeks went by and I figured I wouldn't be hired. But then I got the phone call. She called on a Wed. evening and offered to hire me for the remaining weekends, beginning that Saturday. The hours were 8:15 am to whenever we finished cleaning up after closing (approximately 7:30ish). Well, let me tell ya, she wasn't kidding about it being hard work! I am working in the cafe. We serve burgers, hot dogs, bbq brisket sandwiches, brats, chips, pumpkin donuts, bread, other desserts, soft drinks and cider slush, just to name part of the menu. I have been both a cashier and a runner. The cashier takes the order and the money. The runner tells the kitchen what hot food is needed and fills the rest of the money. We start getting busy around 11:00 am and it is usually 5 or 5:30 before it even begins to slow down. There are two cash registers, so therefore, two lines of customers. People have been standing in those lines for anywhere from 30 minutes to close to an hour. It is very warm in the cafe which has been miserable as we have had warm weather. We are lucky to get one 15 minute break all day long, but last Sunday, we did get 2 breaks! I have to admit if I knew what I was getting into, I would never have applied. But I did and I'm not one to just quit, so there's 2 more weeks to go. The first weekend was quite a shock and eye-opener and I was exhausted. Last weekend, I knew what to expect, so it wasn't quite so bad. I have to say that for the most part, the customers have been very, very nice and the kids are fun to watch. We do have some people that are a little cranky, but luckily, they are the minority. The extra money is appreciated, but I am really thankful that there are only 2 more weekends to go and that the weather is supposed to be cooler this weekend. Surely I can make it!

Attitudes

Last week we had a water leak in the basement. I posted a comment about it on facebook and about how lucky we were that nothing was ruined. We just had some major clean up to do. My mom posted that it sure seemed I was being tested and she was proud of the way I was handling it. The truth is that when I first saw the water, I almost burst into tears and I was thinking how could one more thing be going wrong and when would it stop? I could just see dollar signs flying out the window. But then I took a deep breath and concentrated on getting the water off. Once that was done and I took a look around, I realized that even though it wasn't a fun thing, we were protected. Nothing was ruined, there wasn't a costly repair and I found it before it could do a lot of damage.
God has been working with me on my attitude. One day when I was still working at the IRS, I was driving to work and having a conversation with God. I asked Him to help me change my attitude about things. I was angry about things that are already done and can't be changed and I was holding onto that anger. I asked him to help me let go and to see all the good things that are here right in front of me. I meant it sincerely and I can see the changes. I still have my moments - I probably always will. But they don't come as often or last as long.
He's also working on teaching me patience, I lesson I have yet to learn. There is a job I want in Lexington so bad. Right now, they have frozen it. I don't know if God is saying, "No, that's not where I want you" or "not right now". I do know that I was driving to Liberty a couple of weeks ago for a job interview and I saw a rainbow. I know it was God's promise and His reminder to me that He was in control. I didn't get that job, and I'm ok with that. I only applied because it was a job to get my foot in the door, but I didn't really want it. God knows it wasn't where I belonged. So I keep waiting, and when panic starts to rise, I remember the rainbow. God is in control. He has a plan. Everything's ok. I take a breath and think about all that is good in my life - and there is soooo much good in my life! Thank you, Heavenly Father!

Some things don't need to change

I've been thinking that I either need to change the name of this blog or start a new one because I am no longer an East Texas housewife. But then I had an e-mail from Mrs. Robyn that reminded me that "you can take the girl out of Texas, but you can't take Texas out of the girl". That is so true! I wasn't born there and I wasn't there nearly long enough to suit me, but I was there long enough to know that Texas will always be a part of me. So I am leaving the blog just like it is. If nothing else, it will always remind me of a time in my life when I knew I was where I was supposed to be and I was happy.
So now on to other things. I finally found out that I get to go back to work next Wed. at the IRS. I am thankful for that, as is our bank account! I know I will like it. Could do without the long drive, but I guess there's always something. I am continuing to write the articles, and I still believe that could one day become my full time job from home, but I gotta tell ya, it's HARD! It's hard to stay focused and there are lots of interruptions - mainly Cinnamon taking cushions off the couch or carrying around the bathmat. Things like that. But Don has fixed the toilet downstairs, so I am going to work on setting up an "office" for me down there and when I get laid off again, I'll try it again. I am also continuing to look for another job that is at least permanent, but so is everyone else and the competition is fierce. With no college background or secondary education, I am having a hard time finding something. But I know it'll work out, because as Mrs Robyn also reminded me, God knows the plans He has for me. Just wish he'd let me in on them once in a while!
Oh, did have I ever mentioned how much I love my Texas family? Even 600 miles away, they are here for me. God is good.

New beginnings

I am really excited and feel like maybe things are starting to look up a little. I can now say, and it be true, "I am a writer!" I have always liked to write, but now I am getting paid to write. Not very much yet, but the potential is there. I have found 2 places that I believe are legitimate that I can write internet articles for. I don't get credited as the author, but I don't really care about that. The thing is that I can do it from home and I am getting paid for it. Starting out, it's not a lot, but any little bit is more than I was making. I believe the potential is there to make as much as $300 or $400 a week. This isn't one of those work 10 hours and week and make $1000 thing. The money you make will depend on the number of articles I can write, which takes time. To make the $300-400 I will need to make this my "job" and work it all day long 5 days a week. I am ok with that.
The move back here from Texas wasn't good financially - at all. Heck, the move to Texas wasn't that great financially. But we were starting to make some progress until we came back. Don had to take a pretty significant pay cut to come back. I believe that it will pay off in the long run, but right now, if I don't find a job, I don't know how long we can make it. And if you've been, or you know someone, looking for a job, you know that there aren't just that many out there. I have been through the application and processing to do seasonal data transcribing at the IRS. I am just waiting to find out what my start date will be. At this point, it seems as though it will be around the 1st of Feb. at least.
So in the meantime, I will write. I have 3 articles assigned to me right now. 2 are from one company and the other is a different one. I will do them all today and hopefully have more to do by the end of the day or Monday. The truth is that I don't want to "go" to work. I don't mind working, I just want to do it from here. I love being home. If I can make this work, it's the best of both worlds. Money coming in and not having to work outside the home to do it. My plan is to do as much as I can between now and when I start at the IRS. I will do as many as I can while working at the IRS to keep my foot in these doors. Then when I am laid off later this spring, I'll be ready to go back to writing full time and hopefully will be built up enough to make a difference. I believe it can be done. And I am excited!
I am a writer!

Who is actually working in your life?

I've really meant to post more and I write lots of them in my mind, but the last few days my mood hasn't been what it should be and so I didn't want to post. I've posted a lot about some of the struggles I've been having, the questioning and that's ok, but enough is enough. I've been thinking a lot about how God works in our lives. But he's not the only one. The devil also works in our lives, whether we realize it or not. I know I am saved and I'm going to Heaven. My soul belongs to God and the devil is not going to get it. But I realized the last few days that even though he won't get me, he can still use me to influence other people. And that has made me feel really guilty. But think about it. What kind of person do you want to be around? One who is happy and at peace, or someone who is sad, angry and struggling? The happy, peaceful person can still be sad and have struggles, but I guess it's what you do with it that counts. I want to be the kind of Christian that makes other people want what I have. I don't want them to look at me and say, "Gee, she's a Christian, but she's sure not very happy! It's not doing much for her." It does do a lot for me. I know that God is always, always here. It's me who moves away sometimes. I am trying to stay as close to Him as I can. And I have made up my mind that Satan is not going to use me to win someone for himself. He can just move on to someone else. I do not want to explain to God someday why someone I loved is in Hell because they saw my life and didn't want any part of what I have. Bad things are going to happen. Bad days are going to come. But it's ok. Because I can give it all to God and let Him handle it. And it'll all be ok. Do you feel the peace coming back? I do.

Christmas music

I am sitting here listening to Christmas music and realizing that for the first time in awhile, I feel happy! I have been dwelling on what I have left behind instead of just enjoying where I am right now. Well, right this very minute, I am listening to Christmas music and I love it! I know that a lot of people think it's way too early, that it shouldn't start until after Thanksgiving. I know what they are saying, that Thanksgiving just kind of gets glossed over - we go right from Halloween to Christmas. Maybe that's true. Thanksgiving kind of gets shoved right in with Christmas. But I love Thanksgiving and it is my favorite holiday of the year. I love the Thanksgiving meal and I like watching part of the parades. It really didn't bother me last year that we were in Texas and didn't get to be a part of a big gathering. I still loved it. And I love it whether there's Christmas music playing or not. To me, the music doesn't take away. It just extends the "feeling" of Thanksgiving and Christmas longer. The music is really my favorite part of the Christmas season, along with Christmas movies. Maybe because they remind me of what Christmas is really meant to be and not what it is. I think we get caught up in the things that aren't important and forget what is. But every year, the music brings out the excitement of the child in me - an excitement and hope for what might be this year. And I don't know about you, but if I could have that feeling all year long - wow, what a year it'd be! So play on, Christmas music. Remind me of the baby in the manger, the drummer boy who had nothing for a gift but his talents, and the star in the sky leading the way. And remind me how thankful I am for those things, and so much more.