Homesick

We've been back in Missouri for a little over a year now. Things are better and I am no longer unhappy like I was when we first came back. But still sometimes I get so homesick. I can close my eyes and I can still see in my mind our backyard. I can see the cars going by on Hwy 21 out back and I see the birds at the feeder that I kept filled for them. I see the pine trees, and Mrs. Ja walking across the backyard to come visit for a bit. I can see the road that leads to White Rock, passing Robyn and Sheldon's house, and Ray and Pat's house and several other church members homes. I can see us sitting in Brother Sonny and Mrs. Carrie's house for Sunday school. I know what it feels like to sit on "our" pew next to Mrs. Viola. I can hear Amber, Robyn, Tabitha and Vicki singing. I can feel the hot Texas sun in the summer. I can feel the crape myrtle weeping on my arms as I sat on the deck. I miss our church and I miss our house. I miss my life there. I feel really guilty that I still feel this way, because I know there are those who don't understand. And I can't explain it, because I don't really understand it either.
Until we moved to Texas, I lived my whole life in the same town. I didn't hate it and I wasn't one of those people who couldn't wait to get away. It was fine, it was comfortable, it was home. Our family was there. But then we went to Texas. It was scary at first and it took some time to settle in, but we made a life there and it was soooo good. It was always nice to come back to Missouri to visit, but even when we were here, I couldn't wait to get back there. It was great to have family visit us and to have one-on-one time with them. Somewhere along the way, for me, Texas became home and Missouri became somewhere that I had lived once. Missouri is now where we live and it is a good life, but sometimes I still feel like I'm in the wrong place. We have a nice house and the most beautiful, awesome views. We have family close by and have had some great times since we have been back with many more good times to look forward to. But inside of me is an ache to cross that line from Arkansas into Texas and feel the calmess and peace that comes over me when I do - to know I am where I belong.
How is it that you can spend such a short time somewhere and it become such a part of you? It's really weird, because when I was a kid, I could only spend the night with my grandparents or at my cousin's house. Anywhere else, I would pretend to be not feeling well at bedtime so I could go home. I wanted to be in my own home, in my own bed with my mom and dad in the house. It was strange to me that it was so easy to go because it was so out of character for me. The only time I cried when we left was when we said good bye to Derek and Kristen. But when we left Texas to move back here, I cried for half an hour and I think I could have cried all the way back. I had to make myself think of anything except what I was leaving behind. And maybe that's what it is. Maybe I knew that Missouri would always be a part of me and I wasn't really "leaving" it. I knew I would be back from time to time and I knew that more likely than not we would eventually move back. But when we left Texas, I knew that even when we returned to visit, that it would never be the same. Our friends and "family" there would go on with their lives and we would go on with ours. We would promise to visit and keep in touch - and we do keep in touch with some people - but life has a way of pushing aside good intentions.
I know that "home" is wherever Don and I are together. And I know that our lives are just going to keep getting better and better. I am happy. But sometimes I just miss Texas!