Who is actually working in your life?

I've really meant to post more and I write lots of them in my mind, but the last few days my mood hasn't been what it should be and so I didn't want to post. I've posted a lot about some of the struggles I've been having, the questioning and that's ok, but enough is enough. I've been thinking a lot about how God works in our lives. But he's not the only one. The devil also works in our lives, whether we realize it or not. I know I am saved and I'm going to Heaven. My soul belongs to God and the devil is not going to get it. But I realized the last few days that even though he won't get me, he can still use me to influence other people. And that has made me feel really guilty. But think about it. What kind of person do you want to be around? One who is happy and at peace, or someone who is sad, angry and struggling? The happy, peaceful person can still be sad and have struggles, but I guess it's what you do with it that counts. I want to be the kind of Christian that makes other people want what I have. I don't want them to look at me and say, "Gee, she's a Christian, but she's sure not very happy! It's not doing much for her." It does do a lot for me. I know that God is always, always here. It's me who moves away sometimes. I am trying to stay as close to Him as I can. And I have made up my mind that Satan is not going to use me to win someone for himself. He can just move on to someone else. I do not want to explain to God someday why someone I loved is in Hell because they saw my life and didn't want any part of what I have. Bad things are going to happen. Bad days are going to come. But it's ok. Because I can give it all to God and let Him handle it. And it'll all be ok. Do you feel the peace coming back? I do.

Christmas music

I am sitting here listening to Christmas music and realizing that for the first time in awhile, I feel happy! I have been dwelling on what I have left behind instead of just enjoying where I am right now. Well, right this very minute, I am listening to Christmas music and I love it! I know that a lot of people think it's way too early, that it shouldn't start until after Thanksgiving. I know what they are saying, that Thanksgiving just kind of gets glossed over - we go right from Halloween to Christmas. Maybe that's true. Thanksgiving kind of gets shoved right in with Christmas. But I love Thanksgiving and it is my favorite holiday of the year. I love the Thanksgiving meal and I like watching part of the parades. It really didn't bother me last year that we were in Texas and didn't get to be a part of a big gathering. I still loved it. And I love it whether there's Christmas music playing or not. To me, the music doesn't take away. It just extends the "feeling" of Thanksgiving and Christmas longer. The music is really my favorite part of the Christmas season, along with Christmas movies. Maybe because they remind me of what Christmas is really meant to be and not what it is. I think we get caught up in the things that aren't important and forget what is. But every year, the music brings out the excitement of the child in me - an excitement and hope for what might be this year. And I don't know about you, but if I could have that feeling all year long - wow, what a year it'd be! So play on, Christmas music. Remind me of the baby in the manger, the drummer boy who had nothing for a gift but his talents, and the star in the sky leading the way. And remind me how thankful I am for those things, and so much more.

No such thing as coincidences

I used to think that sometimes things just happened, but I really don't anymore. I think that everything that happens in our lives has some kind of meaning, whether we realize it or not. Sometimes we know right away why something has happened, sometimes we figure it out later and sometimes we may never know the why, but I believe that there is always, always a reason. I also believe that the people we meet were put in our paths for a reason.
I've been thinking alot about Bear lately. Last Sunday was the 3rd anniversary of his death. I have never taken the death of a pet so hard as I did his. When he was sick, I prayed to God that He would heal Bear. I asked him to take another dog instead - such as a stray who was starving, an abused dog, one that was going to die anyway. Take that one and put it out of it's misery and let me keep my dog who was loved so much and who was so full of life. I know that if that had been His will, God had the power to heal him, and until the very end, I think I really expected that to happen. But it wasn't to be, and for a long time, I just couldn't understand it. Well, I have finally figured it out.
Losing Bear was the catalyst for our move to Texas. I thought all of that was put into motion by the phone call from Rob telling Don about the job in Center, but I know now that the wheels were already turning. When we lost Bear, it really put me into a depression. I was tired of my job, I hated the hours Don was working and really just kind of hated my life at that time. Normally, I don't think I would have even given moving away a thought, but I was just so ready for any kind of a change, that I wanted to go. Don wasn't so sure and if I hadn't been completely on board, we wouldn't have gone. I know without a shadow of a doubt that we were meant to go there. I also know that even though we thought we went for Don's job, that in reality his job had nothing to do with it. The job just put us in the location we were meant to be in. Someone that worked at the plant told us about the house that we ended up buying, that put us next door to Ja and Toby that led us to White Rock Baptist Church that led to Don's salvation. It is amazing to me to look back and see how everything was connected. We really wanted to buy a house in Center, closer to the plant, but we couldn't find anything we liked. We were meant to be in San Augustine and I am so thankful for that. Honestly, our time in Texas was one of the best periods of my life.
And God is a loving God. He knew the pain I felt over losing Bear and he sent Dusty to us. Dusty has the same zest for life, the same joy that Bear had. He is not a replacement, of course, but Dusty has brought joy back. You can't spend much time with Dusty and not feel good. He is so happy and has a joy that you can see in his face. I love him so much and I know some day I will pay the price for that, but as with Bear, every minute with Dusty is worth more than the pain that comes later. Cinnamon set the pieces of my heart back into place; Dusty glued it back together. And that is the way it was meant to be!

Thoughts and attitudes

I've been watching Joyce Meyer in the mornings. She can really start my day off right. If you don't know who she is, she is a preacher. She is probably in her 50's or 60's. Her program is on several channels. It's on at 5:30 or 6:00 on Lifetime and it's on TBN a couple of times a day. I DVR it and watch when I'm ready to make notes and really pay attention. Earlier this week she was talking about our thoughts and our words. Do you ever really pay attention to what you are thinking and notice the power your thoughts have over you?? Our thoughts are so, so powerful! They can determine what kind of day you have and what kind of influence you are on other people. I am ashamed that so many of my thoughts are so negative and am making a concience effort to have good thoughts and when a thought pops in my head that I know shouldn't be there, I try to banish it. Joyce said one day that she likes it when God is dealing with her on something. Well, I don't! I know what she is saying, because when you really realize that God is dealing with you, then you know there are changes that need to be made and they are for your own good. But it's really not fun to realize things about yourself that you don't like. I am a very selfish person. I want things to go my way and if they don't, I'm not happy about it. Well, you know what? We don't always get our way and sometimes that is for the best. I am finding that if you surround yourself with things and people that make you happy, then you will be happier. It makes me happy to start my day watching Joyce. She makes me laugh, she makes me think and I pay attention to things during my day. It's like she talks right to me. I know that God is speaking to me through her. How does God talk to you? Do you listen? Do you pay attention all day long? Do you notice how much He does for you and takes care of for you? I tend to be a worrier, but I am trying so hard to pray about things and then leave it alone and you know what? It always seems to work out. And then I try to remember to thank Him. Joyce was talking about prayer this morning and how sometimes we don't have what we want because we simply don't ask for it! And she's not just talking about "stuff". God knows what we need and what we want, but He wants us to ask Him for it. And then to know when the answer is yes, when it's wait, and when it's no. We can't know those things if we don't pay attention. So listen to your thoughts as you go about your day. Pay attention to who they're from. Because just as God talks to you all day long, whether you're listening or not, so does the devil. Who is controlling your thoughts?

New start

I know it has been awhile since I have posted. I have written many blogs in my mind, but just haven't put them online.
I guess I really need to change the name of this blog since I no longer live in Texas. It is good to be back with family and friends, but that was such a great period in my life and I've had a hard time letting go of it. Maybe "letting go" isn't the right words. It's not like we're never going to go back there or that I have to forget that we ever lived there. I guess what I've had a hard time with is being ok with moving back. I truly believe that Don made the right decision to come back. I do. But I didn't want to come back yet. I know that's selfish and I am working on it. It's just that I felt a peace there that I had never had before and I just felt that that is exactly where we were supposed to be. Don felt that coming back was the right thing to do. I struggled with it and really wasn't sure that we were supposed to come back yet. But we both prayed about it and we both asked God to close the door if we were not supposed to move. That door stayed wide open no matter how hard I tried to slam it closed. So I have had to work things out in my mind and to be ok with it. There is a lot of good to being back. It is good to be close to Dad in case he needs me. It is good to be close to Mom as I don't think she's always truthful about how she is feeling. It is nice to be able to see her with my own eyes and try to figure out how she really is doing. It is so so so good to be close to Derek and Kristen. We talked to everyone before we moved to Texas about how they felt about it, and they all said we should go and everyone was supportive. I now know that they all lied and they didn't want us to go. I feel bad that something that brought me such happiness caused sadness in those I love.
I love our new house and oh, what a beautiful time of year this is in Missouri. Fall was pretty in Texas, but not as pretty as here. Of course, winter will follow close behind and winter was definetly better there!
I miss our church there. We have been visiting Pleasant Valley Baptist Church. Although we both really enjoy the sermons, we miss the small, friendly church where everyone knew you and there were hugs all the time. So we'll keep searching and I know we'll find a church here that we love as much as we did our old church. And we're still in touch with our church family, so we now have more friends in more places. It's all good!
So I guess I'd better be thinking of a new name for this blog. Any ideas??

Falling toolboxes and other items

Well, yesterday I decided I would work in the garage for a little while. We bought some totes and I was trying to get the garage straightened up. Anyway, I was kneeling in front of a cabinet putting some small items in a tote when all of a sudden something hit me in the head and then fell across my back to the floor. I was stunned for a moment. I saw that it was a metal toolbox that fell off the top of the cabinet! Luckily for me, it was empty. It hit me fairly hard as it was, so if something had been in it, I might have been really hurt. As it was, it left a bump on the side of my head and a sore spot on the back of my head and on my shoulder blade (the same one I bumped when I fell in the office a couple of weeks ago!). I am starting to think that I shouldn't be doing any cleaning.
Anyway, after that, I decided I should probably be done for the day with the garage. I had some things to take to the shed and as I was walking across the backyard, I came across a snake skin. We don't know for sure what kind it is. To me, there's a part that looks like maybe it held a rattle, so I am wondering if it was a rattlesnake. Scary part is that it was fairly close to the dog's yard. That has been a big worry for us here as dogs do get snake bitten fairly regularly. This is the first snake (or skin) sighting I have seen so far this year. I hope it's all I see! Anyway, the skin was all rolled up, so it's hard to see how long it is. We do have lots of birds around, so it's possible that a bird dropped it in the yard and the snake wasn't even here. That's the thought I am going with!
Speaking of birds, we have a family of cardinals. There's a male & female and 2 babies. The babies are big enough to fly, but they still have downy feathers. The like to sit in our crape myrtle tree and the mama and daddy will go to our bird feeder, get some seed, and bring it back and feed the babies. It has been awesome to watch. One of the babies is a male. His body is still brown, but his head is starting to turn the bright red. The other one is all brown, so I am assuming it is a female. I have learned to recognize their sounds, so I know when they are around. I have so enjoyed watching them!

Vacation Bible School

Don and I helped out with VBS last week. It was tiring, but we had a blast. The theme was Crocodile Dock, Where fearless kids shine God's light. We were both crew leaders. We had kids assigned to us and we would take them from activity to activity and participate with them. I had 2 kids that came all 5 nights - Jadey & Eddie Lee. They are both members of our church. A young lady named Makenzie came 3 nights and she was my helper. Then Wed. night I had Jesus and Thursday night I had Cody. They only came the one night each.
Each night we would meet at the "dock" where we would sing a song, have a prayer and hear any announcements that were needed. Then we were off to our activities. There was Dockside Drive In, where we saw a part of a movie each night about Cheddar and Fraider (who was afraid of everything!). There was Bible Bayou where there was a bible story each night. Brother Robert was in charge of that and he did an excellent job. He had things for the kids to taste and he kept their interest. We had snack shack, Gator Games (which were water activities as it was so hot) and Crafts and Missions where the kids would make a craft and hear about the mission project we were supporting this year. The last night the kids made turtles - one for themselves to pray over and one to send to a child affected by some kind of disaster. There was a pocket where they tucked a little note to the child and the child will also receive a book with our child's picture. It was pretty cool. Then the last of the night we would go to the sanctuary for Firefly Finale, where we would see pics taken during the evening, sing and have prayer time. On Thursday night, we were given trash bags to pray over and put our sins into. Then as a crew, we took them to the front and hung them over a cross. We then sang a song, during which a man who looks like Jesus came to the front and took all the bags with our sins away. It was very powerful. We also did this Sunday morning in church. Anyway, it was a great week and what topped it off for me was that on Sunday morning, Eddie Lee came and sat with me during most of the service. That made me feel really good.
Have I ever mentioned how much I love this church??

Confusing Times

Well, I have to say, if it's nothing else, life sure is interesting! We now only lack the fire inspection to be fully certified to adopt a child. The inspector was supposed to be here 2 days ago, but we're still waiting. (This is not unusual in East Texas! And in his defense, the fire department here is all voluntary and he works a regular job.) But now, when we're ready to move forward, Hallmark decides to start making job cuts. I do not think Don is going to lose his job (although at this point, I guess we can't be certain of that) but it is going to affect us in some way or another. Just not sure how yet. We really feel like God wants us to adopt a child, so we are going to go ahead and see if the right child comes along. If that is what He wants, then it will happen. We're just a little worried that we may have a child placed here but adoption not finalized and a decision may have to be made as to whether to stay here or go back home. Of course if we are getting close to consummation, we may be able to rush things through. The last thing everyone wants is for a child to be placed and then have to move the child again. I do best when I feel like I have control in things going on in my life and right now I don't have a lot of control over anything. So I just have to listen to that voice in my head that says, "Just trust me!" But I am learning to do that and although there have been a couple of times this week that I could really get upset, I know deep in my heart that no matter what happens, everything will be ok. God has a plan and I don't have to know what it is or exactly how it is all going to work out. He has that under control. All I have to do is trust Him. And although it's a little uncomfortable for me to not know what is going to happen, there is definetely some relief in knowing I don't have to waste my energy worrying about it. So we're just going to keep on keeping on and look forward with excitement to whatever God has planned for our lives.

What a weekend!

Last weekend was so much fun! On Thursday, Joan & Sonny came down. They got here around 4:30 and we got to spend the evening visiting with them. On Friday morning, I got up and called Derek's phone to see if he and Dad were on the road yet. Dad answered Derek's phone (I was surprised and proud that he could figure out how to do that!) and he said that Derek was napping. I just assumed that Dad was driving. He said that they were just a little ways down the road. Later that afternoon, around 2:00 pm, a reflection caught my attention and I looked outside. Derek's truck was turning into the driveway! I went running out to meet them and was telling Dad he tricked me on the phone that morning when the back door opened and Kristen got out! I was so surprised because she had told us that she wasn't going to be able to come. Turns out that she answered Derek's phone that morning and gave it to Dad to talk to me. Those 3 are sneaky little devils when they are together! What great surprises! They got there about 5 hours earlier than we expected and Kristen was there, too. Saturday we hung around the house for a little while and then Joan, my Dad, Derek, Kristen and I went for a ride to Toledo Bend and had a picnic lunch. Don & Sonny stayed home and spent some time together. That evening we had burgers and brats on the grill. It was also my birthday, so I got cards, presents and cake & ice cream! Sunday morning Uncle Bob and Aunt Paula got here and we all went to church together to see Don be baptized. Our church family made everyone feel welcome and it was a great time. We spent the afternoon watching Nascar (go Kyle Busch!), taking a walk, playing washers, playing yahtzee and just visiting. Uncle Bob & Aunt Paula left late that afternoon and everyone else left early Monday morning. We were so sad to see them all go, but it was such a wonderful time. Everyone made it home safely. God blessed us all weekend long with good family time, great weather and a safe weekend.

Which way to go?

I feel like we are fast approaching a Y in the road and are going to need to choose which way to go. One way may have a few surprises along the way, but for the most part, it is predictable, familiar. There is nothing wrong with going that way and no one would blame us if we do. In fact, some would probably be relieved. It will mean staying on the same road we are already on and just going about our business as we do now. There is nothing wrong with this road - it is a good road. We will see some nice things along this way and it is basically a smooth ride, but it is familiar and comfortable.
The other way is unfamiliar territory. The first part of that way looks to be bumpy and there is the danger of getting lost or having unexpected trouble along the way. However, going that way could mean that we will see and experience new things - good things - that we won't if we go the predicatable way. And we may end up at the end of this road with so many blessings that we can't even imagine. And although that way looks really scary, there are people waiting along side that road to support us and get us back on track if we need it. That road also means we are going to have to support and love someone else and make a positive difference in their lives. We are going to pick up passengers to take along with us on this journey. This is not a road to take alone. It is a road to be shared. We don't know exactly what the ending of this road looks like, but we're curious. Is going down this road worth the risks? The only way to know is to take it.
So which way do we go? The safe, predictable way, arriving at the end of our journey much the way we are now? Or the scenic way, with hills and turns and not knowing how the journey will affect us? Will we be better off and so thankful that we didn't miss this trip even if sometimes it was harder or will we be wishing we had gone the other way and left well enough alone? Don't the really important things that we do with our lives or have in our lives usually come by bumpy, unknown roads? And if we don't travel those roads unprepared or alone, don't they usually bring us to a place that we wouldn't miss even if it was a little harder to get there and we would make the same choice if we had to do it over again? Isn't the journeys that we take what make us who we are?
So again, which way to go? Only time will tell.

Adoption

Some of you already know that Don and I are thinking of adopting a child. If this happens, it will be a child from the state probably between the ages of 6 & 12. We don't have a preference as to a boy or girl. There is a lot to think about. These children have been in foster care for at least a year to 18 months before becoming eligible for adoption because the state first tries to reunite the family. Most of them have been neglected or abused or both. But they are children and they deserve families. I have always wanted more kids, but it just didn't happen. I have looked at children available for adoption on the internet before, but never really seriously considered adopting. But this time, I just can't get it out of my mind. We are going to go through the classes where we learn about the children in the system and we'll just see where it goes. We will continue to discuss this with family. Everyone has been supportive, a few are very excited and some have concerns - valid concerns. We will take time to think it all through and pray about it.
I posted awhile back about hearing God. This is the thing I was praying about. I have taken this to God to see what He wants. My prayer has been for this to be about what He wants us to do, not what we want. I was talking to God about it and I said I don't know if I can do this. These children have been through so much. I don't know if I am the right person for this. He said I am not asking you to do this alone. You were a single mom to Derek for a long time but you were never alone. You were surrounded by a great support system and look at him - he is wonderful! It will be the same with this child, only this time you will seek Me more. Ok, well, I really kind of like my life the way it is. I love my days to myself. A child will take that away. God said, "Terri, you're being selfish! Look at all I have given you. Are you not willing to share that?" Ok, fine, but really I don't think we can afford a child right now. This move wasn't good to us financially. Things are getting better and it's temporary, but still we're digging out. And God said "Just trust Me."
I'm not saying He is saying that this is what He wants to happen. I do believe He wants us to look into it and if it is what He wants, He already knows the child that is meant to be ours. If it's not what He wants, He will close the door. I know that there are a lot of concerns and that this will be a bumpy road, at least at first. I also know that there is a chance for blessings that we can not even imagine - both for us and for a child. It could be that God just wanted us to be aware of all the children looking for homes and just wants us to pray for them or maybe to find some way to volunteer - maybe not to adopt. I don't know. I just know for every reason I come up with as to why we shouldn't, there are better reasons to go ahead.
Sometimes I think we can only help one child and really, in the long run, will that make a difference? Of course it will. Is it worth changing our whole lives? Going through the teenage years again? Taking the chance of heartbreak? Time will tell. But any child, no matter how they come into your lives, changes it. The teenage years maybe aren't the most fun in the world, but they aren't that bad, either. And when your child becomes a responsible, mature, awesome adult, there's no describing the pride you feel when you look at them, talk to them. Derek said he figured after him we wouldn't want to do all that again. I hope he was kidding. Part of the reason I want to consider this is because of him. He is an amazing man. Doesn't another child deserve that chance? I know it is not the same as your biological child and you have to parent these children a little differently, at least at first. But I am hoping that if we do this, the child we get will be young enough for us to instill our values in. I know it will take time for them to learn to trust us, to love us. But I believe with time, love and patience, that it will come and we can give a child what they otherwise may not get.
Pray for these children. Pray for us and that we make the right decision - for us, for a child, for our family. If we do this, it has to be a family decision. It won't just affect us. I am not worried about this. I know that it will work out like it is supposed to.

Faith

I received an e-mail the other day from one of my brothers. He has been reading my blogs and he said he didn't realize that my faith was such a big part of my life. I had to tell him the truth - it hasn't been. I accepted Jesus Christ as my saviour and was baptized when I was 14. I have never stopped believing in God, but I really didn't have a personal relationship with Him. I tried (most of the time) to be a good person and treat people right and I said my prayers every night before going to sleep. I went to church on Sunday for quite a while, but it was just something that I should do. Bedtime was the only time I really prayed unless there was something in particular I wanted or was worried about. I could see things He had done in my life, but I couldn't see ahead of me. I didn't seek His guidance when making decisions and I didn't talk to Him during the day. But God decided He was tired of hearing us say that we were going to find a church, but never doing anything about it. So He moved us 600 miles away from home, family & friends and put us where we didn't know anyone. In time, He led us to White Rock Baptist Church. What makes this church so special is that it is made up of people who love God and each other. They are just normal, everyday small town people. But when you walk in there on Sunday morning, you can feel the presence of God. Sometimes there is so much talking, laughing, and hugging of necks that it takes Robyn awhile to get everyone's attention so that we can start church! People are happy to be in God's house with their brothers and sisters. I have learned that a church filled with God's spirit is a wonderful, fun place to be. I am learning to take time to read in the bible every day. We go to bible study on Wed. night because we want to know what it says. It is not an easy book to read, but it is a great book filled with wonderful stories and answers to all your questions. I haven't found them all yet, of course, but I am learning. I am learning that God speaks to you all day long and it really isn't that hard to hear him. He speaks in your head, through the radio, through e-mails and so many other ways. If your heart and your ears are open, you will begin to hear Him. I was never one of those people who could say "God led me to do this" or "God spoke to me about this". I could see what He had done in my past, but not what He wanted now. I am beginning to see and hear. I am learning to give my worries to Him, because He is in charge and I don't need to worry about anything. It doesn't mean nothing bad will ever happen or things will be easy, but He will be there and if I ask for guidance, I will get it. God doesn't always send you down an easy path, but He will be there with you. He took us a long way from our family and friends. But He gave us a church family that we love and friends that we love here. He is making big changes in our lives, but they are good changes and exciting changes. It is so exciting what you see and hear when you are looking and listening for God. I am thankful that God is back in charge of my life where He should be, because to tell you the truth, it's just too much responsibility for me!
And speaking of church and faith, Don accepted Jesus this past Sunday and will be baptized later this month, probably on the 22nd. I am so happy for him and so proud of him. I have seen big changes in him and in his attitude since we have been going to church. I know wonderful, exciting things are coming for him and for us as a couple.

I'm so excited!

23 ladies from our church will leave Friday morning to go to Feminar in Longview, Texas. We had our monthly ladies bible study meeting last night and you could just feel the excitement in the air. The ones who have attended before are so excited to be going back and those of us who haven't been before can't wait to experience it for ourselves. It doesn't start until Friday evening, but we will get to Longview in time to have lunch and do a little shopping before going to the church where Feminar is being held. We are spending the night and then will go back Saturday morning. It ends around 12:30 and we will have lunch, maybe do a little more shopping and then head home. I am rooming with Ja, our next door neighbor. I am sure we are going to have a great time. I am hoping that she brings her pj's, though, cause last night she was threatening not to! She was just kidding, of course. I told her I am bringing an extra set just in case!
I know we will have a great time and I am sure I'll be excited to share details when we get back. Of course, we have said that what happens at Feminar stays at Feminar! I am sure there will be things to share, though!

Hearing God

Our Sunday School class has been studying Experiencing God as Couples. It is about hearing God and obeying God. You have to first be able to hear God to know what He is telling you to do. Then you obey. Brother Sonny, our pastor and Sunday School teacher tells us almost every week in church that the way to hear God is by being in his word (The Bible, of course) and praying. I have the praying down and am reading the bible. But I can't always hear what He is saying to me. Last week I was talking with God about something on my mind. I was telling Him all the reasons why something shouldn't happen and for every one I had, a reason to do it popped into my head. I finally got to the last reason - and the one I feel could be the deal breaker - and I heard Him. "Just trust me". I don't know if all the other answers that popped in my head were from God or if it was just me playing devil's advocate. I do trust God - I just don't trust me to understand for sure what He is telling me to do. I don't want to get to Heaven someday and He ask me why I didn't do what He told me to do, or why did I go ahead and do something that He told me not to do at that particular time! How do you know for sure? I guess I'm still learning that. This particular item I was discussing with him isn't something that needs to be decided and done right this instance. There's time to pray more and listen more. The answer will come. I know that He knows I am trying to hear and I want to do what He wants done, so I know it will all work out. I've been stressing some about it, but this morning I am at peace. It's not about us or what we want - it's about what God wants. And if I continue to seek his guidance and truly listen, He will send the answer and we will do what He wants. I can look back and see all that He has done in my life, even when I wasn't paying any attentiont to what He wanted, and everything still worked out as He planned. God doesn't make mistakes. He already knows what is to come. "Trust me!" I do.

On Grandparents

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my grandparents – my grandmothers in particular. If things work out the way Derek & Kristen want them to, it’s very possible that by this time next year I could be or be about to be a grandma. That’s a very exciting thought to me. I also have one big worry. I am so afraid that I won’t be there in time for the birth. It’s extremely important to me that I am there. Not necessarily in the delivery room, but at the hospital. I so want to share that time with Derek. When the time comes, I will be praying very hard that God gets me there in time. Not that Kristen has a long labor – I don’t want to get a call that she is in labor and we get there 12 hours later and she’s still in labor. I hope she goes to the doctor and he tells her it will be within a day or so and we can leave then. But I guess that’s a worry for later. Really, as long as both Kristen and the baby are fine, then everything else is good.
I’ve been thinking about the Grandma I want to be and that makes me think about my grandmas and what I learned from and loved about each of them.
They were both strong women. Both were widowed; one never remarried, the other did. They both had children and so both were single mothers for awhile. They each knew what that was like so when I became a single mom, they were both always supportive. I remember shopping with Grandma Faye to find fabric for a baby blanket that she wanted to make for me. We looked at the blankets where you just added the border. I remember telling her “They all say That’s Our Baby!” “Well, it is our baby” she said and that was that. I have never ever forgotten that. Money was tight when Derek was little and sometimes I would be a little short on money. I went to Grandma Ruby for help a few times and she would just hand me her checkbook and say “Write what you need”. She never asked why I was short or made me feel worse about having to ask for help than I already did. I was able to help her by taking her shopping and when it got to be where she really didn’t want to go out, I would take her list and do it for her. I was glad to be able to do that for her.
Those are grown-up memories but I think a lot about when I was younger. Grandma Ruby lived in downtown Excelsior in an apartment over a business. It was a loft type apartment and I thought it was so neat. I am still fascinated with lofts today. That apartment was a great place for hide and seek and she would play with us. It was a lot of fun. I always enjoyed staying all night with her. Later, she moved to an apartment over a local funeral home. She would answer the phone or door when the men who worked there were out. We would always have to be really quiet when a family was downstairs, but again, it was a neat apartment. Do you know you get really weird looks when you walk into a funeral home with sleeping bags?? My cousin and I would spend the night with her and sometimes we would take our sleeping bags.

I don’t think I ever saw Grandma Ruby in anything other than a dress. The dress always had pockets (or she had an apron with pockets) and she always had butter rum lifesavers in her pocket. Every once in awhile I will buy a roll of Butter Rum Lifesavers mainly for the smell of them. It reminds me of her. Waldorf salad reminds me of her, too. We always had that when we had dinners there. I also have a book that has the story Jack in the Beanstock in it. I absolutely loved that story. She used to tell me that she couldn’t leave any part of the story out because I knew it all by heart, but that is the story I wanted to hear. She was glad when I was old enough to read it myself! I still have that book. My mom gets upset because after Grandma Ruby died my cousin took some of grandma’s good dishes. Mom feels they should have come to me because I spent more time with her and did more for her. It doesn’t bother me, though, because I have that book and that book means something to me. Someday, I will read that story to my grandchild. It may not be a favorite of theirs and if not, we’ll find another one, but I will read to them. Grandma Ruby always had books and I got my love of reading from both her and my mom.

Grandma Faye used to take me to church with her sometimes and whenever I hear the Hymn “I love to tell the story” I think of her. I think of her when I make hot chocolate. Hers always had lumps of cocoa in it and I loved it! I cannot to this day make hot chocolate with lumps in it. Mine always dissolve. I had a cup yesterday and no lumps! I went to Grandma & Grandad’s every Saturday that they and mom would let me. We had tuna salad sandwiches and “cheezies” most of the time. I still love that. I do eat other kinds of chips with tuna salad, but cheese puffs or something along that line is my favorite. She also had an organ that I loved to play, so maybe that’s where I got an interest in the piano. I never was very good and I didn’t play for others, but I did learn to play well enough to enjoy it. Grandma and Grandad liked to play cards and I think of them a lot of times when I am playing cards. It was fun when I got old enough to be allowed to play. After Grandad died, I would go by and visit grandma and she and I would play some kind of card game. I also learned to call her every night when I got home from work because if I didn’t, she would call me. And if the weather report was for snow or ice, she would tell me to be careful and “don’t slick off in the ditch!” After she died, I missed those evening phone calls.

When I moved to Texas, mom gave me a buffet that was Grandma Ruby’s. It sits in my kitchen. On the bed in our guest room is a bedspread that Grandma Faye crocheted many years ago. I have both of them here in my home with me.

So this is all taking the long way around to the kind of Grandma I want to be. I want my grandchildren to always know that I love them and that I will be there for them no matter what. I will read to them and I will take them to church when I can. I will play games with them and fix them their favorite foods. And maybe there will be something I do or say that I don’t give a thought to, but someday if they hear it or smell a certain smell, they will think of me.

I will share grandmothering duties with Jackie and I am thrilled about that. We are so lucky that Derek & Kristen found each other. She loves Derek as much as we love Kristen and we both will love their children so much. We also love each other, get along and enjoy spending time together. We already share Christmas Eve together and I love it and that will make it easy when there are grandchildren. I think we both look forward to that time.

And maybe someday, we will have a granddaughter who will be thinking about the impending birth of her own grandchild and she will think of us and what she got from each of us and how she is who she is because of Jackie and because of me.

Life in East Texas

I love to sit at my desk and look out into the backyard. It reminds me of a state park. Huge trees, lots of squirrels and birds and even a little ditch across the back where water flows through when we’ve had heavy rain. I try very hard to keep my squirrel feeder and bird feeder full because I do enjoy watching the little creatures. So does my Golden Retriever, for that matter, but I think our interests may not be quite the same.

I feel like I am on an extended vacation in someone else’s home. We’ve been here a little over a year now and I guess this house is finally starting to feel like our home. My husband has even wanted to help decorate the house. How scary is that??? Very, actually, as our tastes aren’t very much alike. Well, maybe that’s not totally true. We didn’t use to like the same things at all, but more and more we find ourselves liking the same pictures, paint color etc. I like to think his taste is improving. I am glad that’s he taking an interest in making the house look nice. It would be good, though, if he would work on his office, hobby room, and garage!

I love our house, I love our neighbors and I love our church. I don’t know if it’s just this neighborhood (and my guess is that it is not), but neighbors actually talk to each other! They tell you to let them know if you need something – and they mean it! If I tell my next door neighbor that I am going to fix tater tot casserole for dinner, but I have to go get tater tots, I can guarantee you that is she has them on hand, she will be here with a bag of tater tots to save me a trip to the store! Now, I have lived in another state my whole life until we moved here and it’s been a long time since I’ve had neighbors like that. Don’t get me wrong – there are an awful lot of good people back in that other state. But it’s different here. Different in a way that feeds my soul, makes me a better person and makes me feel loved by people who don’t even know me well. And I love them back, too, and I don’t know them well, either. If and when we move back to that other state, I will be a better person and a better neighbor for having lived here.

There are good people here in East Texas. The local banks advertise on TV and mention God and say “Merry Christmas”, not Happy Holidays. If you have offices to visit, you’d better not plan on getting your errands done in a hurry. People here like to take their time and they want to visit a little. I have learned to appreciate the slower pace and when I leave those places, I feel like the person I was doing business with was interested in me.
Yep, there are some good people here. If you want to give your ego a little boost, just come on down and visit with some folks here. But a word of caution! You will not find most of these good people at Wal-Mart. Now, I haven’t actually seen it, but I am sure that right outside the perimeters of the parking lot, there is a hook where you hang your manners before entering the parking lot and you can pick them up again when you come back out. It’s like a free-for-all there! You’re in danger whether you are driving in the lot or walking to or from the store in the lot. And it doesn’t get any better inside, folks. People will come barreling out of the aisles into a main row without looking to see if anyone is coming or not. And while they are running you down, they will look at you with a look that clearly says “How dare you be in my way?!”, like you are standing there just for the mere purpose of being in their way. And there is no age limit on this type of behavior, either. I’ve seen teenagers do it, I’ve seen middle aged people do it and I’ve seen old people do it. Let me tell ya, you’d better be on the lookout for those little old ladies. They may look sweet & fragile, but don’t you fall for that! And getting up and down those inner aisles is another story in itself. Some people down here make going to Wal-Mart a family affair. They bring the kids, their brothers & sisters and grandma & grandpa along. And the whole darn family stands around the cart blocking the aisle you are trying to get down. And do you think they are going to move out of your way? Nooooo siree – you’re just going to have to wait! I try really hard to do my Wal-Mart shopping during the week fairly early in the morning. There’s less people there then so it’s a little safer.

Aside from the Wal-Mart thing, East Texas is a great place to live. We’ve got beautiful pine trees, beautiful lakes and lots of sunshine. I thank God for letting us experience this even for a little while.